you never saw me for me.
you always sought out someone to be
something you had previously defined.
well, he's not me.
and he'll never be.
that's your loss because i'm closest it gets to reality.
the most earthbound child on the face of this space.
ear to the ground, i catch every sound.
and he.
well.
he's not me.
it'll come to you in a week, in a month, in a year, in a lifetime.
at some point, you'll turn back and see.
there's a distance you can't traverse.
there's a lesson you never learned.
you never listened to me.
you never understood me.
you never saw me for me.
i was just a means to an end.
i get it.
i'll keep driving home alone.

once upon a time.
i woke up and wondered what it would be like to throw caution to the wind. wondered how it would feel to do away with everything. to let myself be controlled by nothing. follow every impulse until i was carried to a new place to call home.
wondered where i would go.
now i've found myself on this side of the road. thumb out, begging for a chance at distance. trying to find a way to not miss this. looking for love on every damn shoreline. i'm trying to find something worth my time. thought i had found it in you. i'm confused.
or you're confused.
one of us got lost on the way home. forgot what feeling felt like. decided to hide from what could be right. would rather sit silent and lie through our teeth.
you and i should be we.
don't you see?
it's not a matter of pining for affection. it's a matter of what feels right in the morning and at night.
hearing your voice. seeing your face. all those things that keep me awake because you don't want them to happen anymore. what for?
i'll remind you what it feels like to be feeling something real.
i swear to high heaven it'll come back to you.

need to stop driving without a destination all the time.
it's taking a toll on my gas cash... and my car, i'm sure.
need to keep skating every night.
need to keep getting in the best shape of my life.
need to keep reading.
need to keep writing.
need to keep doing homework.
need to keep enjoying barnes n noble.
need to keep seeing people i love.
need to keep my system relatively clean.
need to keep getting further out of debt.
need to keep adding to my savings.
need to keep things in perspective.
need to need to need to be
me.

in the end.
you'll love me again.
when i
love me again.

she: "i wish it could work. i wish it could be that way. i can see what it would be like and it's wonderful."
me: "if you can see it, why can't it be real?"
she: "because i wouldn't love you."

i need to do something.
i need...
i need something to do.

fine then.
i'll step back.
you get to see
how lonely it can be
without me.