look at your life, in a strange new room.

i've seen too much in the past few months.
that's the best way i can phrase it.
i've had the person who means the most to me hate me for wanting to protect him.
i've had the person who shaped the world for me slowly slip away.
i've had friends at each others throats.
i've had friends come and go.
i've had so many things happen that left me with a true, empty feeling in my chest.

i've been writing for a full 10 years now, and i've finally felt that awful emotion that i was putting on paper for so long.
that utter lack of something that simply cannot be put to words.
it hurts.
it crawls throughout me, infects my thoughts, dissects my speech, weighs my hands down to me feet.
it buries me.
i drive for miles each day.
around the reservoir or as far from home as i can go.
i'm trying to find something, something better.

i've been smiling for the past few days.
she came back, just to check up on me.
i needed to call her back to my life.
i needed to know she was alright.
cause i'm not.
now she's helping me get back that feeling.
i told her last night as we slept in each others arms for the first time in almost two years.
there's so much wrong, but she makes me feel right.
she feels so guilty and doesn't blame me for pushing her away.
i forgave her.
she's become this mixture of the girl i first met and a stronger grown woman.
maybe this is what i need.
you and me.
not together again.
there was always somethings sitting in between.
you and me
together at last.
this could last.

"i just want it to be summer.
tomorrow.
i can't wait to lay on the beach.
my fedora covering my face.
relaxing for one week.
then coming home to what i'm hoping will be the best summer of my life.
i'll be 21, transfering to a new school, working a job i actually enjoy, and maybe (a big maybe) i'll make enough money over the summer to start searching for an apartment somewhere.
anyone interested in living with me?
i'd search places around towson.
close enough that i could skate to s-bucks and campus bright 'n early in the morn'.
i'm not trying to drop three weeks pay on a towson parking pass."

that's from March of last year...
i came back from that vacation not relaxed, but more stressed and strained than i have ever been after leaving the state.
summer was nothing special. i drifted through it.
slept and drove most of the days away.
and a very depressed hah at my hopes of getting an apartment before going to Towson.
i've managed to bury myself in credit debt and bank of america has stolen $2000 from me.
forever feeling used and excused.
i haven't skated in so long...
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.

"hey, listen. i want to tell you something."
"oh yeah?"
"yeah... i'm not really... looking for... like... a boyfriend... sort of thing."
"hahahaha!"
"what?"
"we really need to watch 500 Days of Summer."
"why?"
"this. this moment. it's in the movie. we really need to watch it."
"ok... well. is it ok?"
"yeah, it's fine. i'm not looking for anything serious either, just..."
"yeah?"
"as long as this doesn't mean you're free to bang it out with other dudes."
"no, no. not at all. i would never do that sort of thing. not me at all."

ah you fuckin' liar.