i bought a green, college-ruled, spiral notebook 2/3rds of the way through my first semester at Goucher.
at first, i alternated between writing one or two lines per college-ruled line.
somewhere along the way, i decided to write exclusively two lines per line.
it made me look somewhat batshit crazy when people read over my shoulder.
it also made it impossible for people to read over my shoulder.
i've been writing in this book for so long.
through so much.
the transition to college.
dead friendships.
living on campus.
brotherly abandonment.
misguided love.
bad break-ups.
Jack Leonard.
long drives.
this violent mind and life.
those early mornings.
these late nights.
so many repeated themes.
so many things had changed.
so many things didn't change at all.
4 long years in one little book.
i don't know what i expected when i finished it.
felt like i just wanted to start over
and over and over and over

i need to get away from the idea
that there is a happiness i need to reconnect with
that the source is in the past
i need to stop looking back
22 with who knows how many years ahead
there's bound to be a face that comes
out of the wood works
makes my head jerk
makes my knees quake
makes my insecurities run away
because they'll know that if they hold me back
i'll never forgive them
when i find that singular soul that could make my mind and body whole
i'll know
so
i didn't find it in the past
i need to quit looking back

for use in a future script

ok, fuck you. shut the fuck up and go the fuck away. i mean it. i don't want to hear another fucking word out of your filthy fucking mouth, and i want you to fucking get out. clamp you fucking lips. walk out the fucking door. hold your fucking tongue. get up and fucking go. fuck off, you fucking fuck. please.

in regards to saturday, august 7th's post:

at 2:30 am, i got a text from a number i didn't know.
"Sean! I miss youu- sketchy guys suck"
it was Rosemary.
we texted back and forth.
i ended up driving to Canton to give her a ride home.
but first, we went to sip and bite.
she bought me a short stack of pancakes.
we chatted for an hour or so and i drove her the half mile home.

it's always nice when i start to forget
and life reminds me
late at night
it'll be all right.

dead friendships
courtesy text from an ex
dog pissed on the steps
fuck this
something isn't right tonight

4 bohs deep.
skatin' as fast as i could around these Towson streets.
nights like these
remind me
i don't need
you
to make me
happy.

you never saw me for me.
you always sought out someone to be
something you had previously defined.
well, he's not me.
and he'll never be.
that's your loss because i'm closest it gets to reality.
the most earthbound child on the face of this space.
ear to the ground, i catch every sound.
and he.
well.
he's not me.
it'll come to you in a week, in a month, in a year, in a lifetime.
at some point, you'll turn back and see.
there's a distance you can't traverse.
there's a lesson you never learned.
you never listened to me.
you never understood me.
you never saw me for me.
i was just a means to an end.
i get it.
i'll keep driving home alone.

once upon a time.
i woke up and wondered what it would be like to throw caution to the wind. wondered how it would feel to do away with everything. to let myself be controlled by nothing. follow every impulse until i was carried to a new place to call home.
wondered where i would go.
now i've found myself on this side of the road. thumb out, begging for a chance at distance. trying to find a way to not miss this. looking for love on every damn shoreline. i'm trying to find something worth my time. thought i had found it in you. i'm confused.
or you're confused.
one of us got lost on the way home. forgot what feeling felt like. decided to hide from what could be right. would rather sit silent and lie through our teeth.
you and i should be we.
don't you see?
it's not a matter of pining for affection. it's a matter of what feels right in the morning and at night.
hearing your voice. seeing your face. all those things that keep me awake because you don't want them to happen anymore. what for?
i'll remind you what it feels like to be feeling something real.
i swear to high heaven it'll come back to you.

need to stop driving without a destination all the time.
it's taking a toll on my gas cash... and my car, i'm sure.
need to keep skating every night.
need to keep getting in the best shape of my life.
need to keep reading.
need to keep writing.
need to keep doing homework.
need to keep enjoying barnes n noble.
need to keep seeing people i love.
need to keep my system relatively clean.
need to keep getting further out of debt.
need to keep adding to my savings.
need to keep things in perspective.
need to need to need to be
me.

in the end.
you'll love me again.
when i
love me again.

she: "i wish it could work. i wish it could be that way. i can see what it would be like and it's wonderful."
me: "if you can see it, why can't it be real?"
she: "because i wouldn't love you."

i need to do something.
i need...
i need something to do.

fine then.
i'll step back.
you get to see
how lonely it can be
without me.

and the distance sets in
and the distance collects
and the distance expands
and the distance dissects
--
wonder how ugly i'll turn when the sun
burns through this skin and i'm left feeling
something i don't want to say
predicting the ending these days
never gets me anywhere
i want to sit back and watch
these days run themselves
i'm tired and wired and asking for help
because something is keeping me sleeping at night
i don't want to wake
don't want to fight
don't want to rise
and get on with this life
i just might
be feeling feelings once felt
i just might
need a hand/some help
i just might
not recover from this one
if this one
isn't for the long run
--
there's so much more to say of these days.
this summer is shaping to be something worth remembering.
it's hard to write what feels right.
every song is about something being wrong.
if life is worth living...
why bother singing?
keep moving in the right direction.
--
i'll stay on this road for awhile.
take in the bends,
see how it ends.
i'll stay on this road for awhile.
passenger side for a long long ride.
driving until my eyes are fried.
summer sun can guide me home.
wherever that may be.
i'll find it if i find you
in this car
with me.

I have a 3.0...
i have never had a 3.0 in all the time i've been in college.
i've always scraped by with a 2.8 or 2.9.

still three more grades that need to go through.
dramaturgy and cultural diversity should be A's though.
even if i get an F in astronomy...
i could keep a fucking 3.0

putting my credit card in my cash box.
no more spending money i do not have.
i'm done with that.

talked tonight about things on my mind.
typical "future is now and i just fucking realized it" stuff.
then some real talk.
talks on living together, on being together, on a word she tricked me into saying.
saying it for the first time, meaning it for the first time.
this is... new.

i was anxious all day.
i've got so much to do and i'm wasting as much time as possible.
we had a rough night and a slow morning, but things settled.
then i got myself all worked up again.
thinking about what waits ahead.

now that that one word has been put out there, something has settled.
i'm still anxious about school.
i'm still eager to get back to work.
i'm still nervous about the very prevalent future.
i'm still trying to find the motivation to do anything and everything.
but i'm not worried about us.

confused, nervous, hesitant, scared.
this must be love.

lack of motivation has caught me.
i'm sitting on this couch all the time again.
hiding out from the work that was due a few weeks back.
drinking coffee doesn't push me to do anything 'cept sleep uncomfortably.
tossing and turning and learning that this life could be so much more.
i've been dreaming lately, but they aren't worth the mention.
i've been living lately.
finding a word i'm afraid to say.
i've been missing people lately.
don't know if people are missing me.

i guess and i can rest reassured that i'm further along than most.
i've got my life together enough.
i haven't got my life together at all compared to how things were.
i have a job that i never work.
i'm in school, for what that's worth.
i have friends that i'm good to and they're good to me.
whenever we have the chance to see and be seen.
used to have the drive.
now i just want to feel alive.
and it feels so real standing with her arms around me.
my arms around her.
feeling worth in these worthless stores and parking lots.
holding hands whenever no one is looking.
i'm hooked.

i feel held together and i feel torn apart.
turning in all directions.
i'm always hunting a distraction.
not even motivated to do what i shouldn't be doing anyway.
i want to sleep until summer sets me free.
i want to sleep a little longer.
see if i dream something better than i have been.

there's some words to say to you.
to scrawl across these walls of these rooms.
to hide under your pillow and seal in manila envelopes.
to put at the end of some half hearted letter.
i'll be seeing you later that day anyway.
why write anything so important?
so much better to say.
there's some words i've got in the back of my mind.
on the tip of my tongue.
the kind of words for which songs are sung.
stand in the rain and scream at the top of my lungs.
come on.
never get tired of your smile.
your scent, your cynicism, your style.
never tired of being tired with you.
never get a word in.
never need to.
you and i.
our eyes lock tight.
see whatever is weighing each others minds.
know that there's more to be said than...
there's some words to say to you.

i suddenly have the inexplicable desire to buy a gas station and turn it into the nicest, most comfortable gas station/pit stop/cafe/diner in the world.
i think i'm crazy.

i had almost forgotten what this felt like.
this feeling of not being nearly enough.
not having the proper words to take away the hurt.
not being able to hide how torn up inside i feel.
not being able to bolt out the door, hop in my car, drive to his house, and beat him senseless.
or beat some sense into him.
whichever works better.

no smiles are without their frowns.
there wouldn't be much worth in happiness if sadness didn't exist.
i just wish i could make it go away.
make him go away.
you don't deserve the hurt he incurs.

i want to be finished with college.
i want to pay off my credit debt.
i want to save up enough to move to DC.
i want to transfer to the Barnes & Noble at the train station.
i want to get away from all this disinterest and disgust.
i love this city.
but i hate this city.

look at your life, in a strange new room.

i've seen too much in the past few months.
that's the best way i can phrase it.
i've had the person who means the most to me hate me for wanting to protect him.
i've had the person who shaped the world for me slowly slip away.
i've had friends at each others throats.
i've had friends come and go.
i've had so many things happen that left me with a true, empty feeling in my chest.

i've been writing for a full 10 years now, and i've finally felt that awful emotion that i was putting on paper for so long.
that utter lack of something that simply cannot be put to words.
it hurts.
it crawls throughout me, infects my thoughts, dissects my speech, weighs my hands down to me feet.
it buries me.
i drive for miles each day.
around the reservoir or as far from home as i can go.
i'm trying to find something, something better.

i've been smiling for the past few days.
she came back, just to check up on me.
i needed to call her back to my life.
i needed to know she was alright.
cause i'm not.
now she's helping me get back that feeling.
i told her last night as we slept in each others arms for the first time in almost two years.
there's so much wrong, but she makes me feel right.
she feels so guilty and doesn't blame me for pushing her away.
i forgave her.
she's become this mixture of the girl i first met and a stronger grown woman.
maybe this is what i need.
you and me.
not together again.
there was always somethings sitting in between.
you and me
together at last.
this could last.

"i just want it to be summer.
tomorrow.
i can't wait to lay on the beach.
my fedora covering my face.
relaxing for one week.
then coming home to what i'm hoping will be the best summer of my life.
i'll be 21, transfering to a new school, working a job i actually enjoy, and maybe (a big maybe) i'll make enough money over the summer to start searching for an apartment somewhere.
anyone interested in living with me?
i'd search places around towson.
close enough that i could skate to s-bucks and campus bright 'n early in the morn'.
i'm not trying to drop three weeks pay on a towson parking pass."

that's from March of last year...
i came back from that vacation not relaxed, but more stressed and strained than i have ever been after leaving the state.
summer was nothing special. i drifted through it.
slept and drove most of the days away.
and a very depressed hah at my hopes of getting an apartment before going to Towson.
i've managed to bury myself in credit debt and bank of america has stolen $2000 from me.
forever feeling used and excused.
i haven't skated in so long...
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.

"hey, listen. i want to tell you something."
"oh yeah?"
"yeah... i'm not really... looking for... like... a boyfriend... sort of thing."
"hahahaha!"
"what?"
"we really need to watch 500 Days of Summer."
"why?"
"this. this moment. it's in the movie. we really need to watch it."
"ok... well. is it ok?"
"yeah, it's fine. i'm not looking for anything serious either, just..."
"yeah?"
"as long as this doesn't mean you're free to bang it out with other dudes."
"no, no. not at all. i would never do that sort of thing. not me at all."

ah you fuckin' liar.

enough of this bold-faced degradation and hate.
i'm up for feeling something new.

i'm going to bed early tonight. tomorrow, i'll rise with the sun and drive to the reservoir before class. after class, i'll head to Goucher and get a Blue Sky soda.

i'll blog the whole damn day. i'm going to make this feeling last. i'm going to take this life back.

you want a smile? you want a nod?
here's a finger. eat it up.

if you're gonna lie to me, then lie to me.
just be fucking upfront about it.

ignore what's been said before

guess i'll still use this now and again. when the thoughts get too heavy for this already weighted head...

women, what the fuck is wrong with you? and you and you and you?

i could sit and write out every single, little, minute detail that made the blizzard of 2010 the best week i've had in months... probably years, but i'd end up depressing myself. suffice to say, a girl came along and, within an evening of she knowing me and me knowing she, i couldn't bear to leave her side. surprisingly enough, she was securely attached to mine.

three nights in a row, we spent them together. laughing, lavishing, learning all we could. it was good. it was better than the rest. there was this bubble around us, and the world kept trying to penetrate it. something had to give. something always does.

we spent one night apart, and then problems began to start. i guess when alone with her thoughts, she saw what was coming up. we finished out the week. tightly entwined and deep in each others' minds. then we went back to school.

fuck school and friends and faces intruding on my fantasy made reality. monday we reached the peak. tuesday she pushed me down the mountain. wednesday through saturday, she threw me a line and i started to climb. but sunday... i saw the knife in her hand, poised to severe the cable and drop me again. avoiding my eyes until this night, she finally flicked her wrist and cut it.

so here i am, right back where i started. one more story to write out of my system. one more set of eyes to force out of my mind. hundreds of more sleepless nights ahead as i try to discover what was or wasn't said.

timing is everything. why do i always feel like mine's running out?

different blog, same story.

livelivelivetilidie.blogspot.com

aside from tumblr, this is the blogspot i'll be using from here on out.
it should stay po-ums and such.
i don't feel like expressing coherent thoughts this year.
right now, it's filled with things i wrote over the past three years.
a lot has happened. a lot has changed...
let's see where i go from here